1234 Comedy

Hey these are some jokes/funny stuff i've written like last year, except the doctor doctor one is new-ish.




The words that must never come out of your mouth.

"i would so bang that chick"

No, you would date-rape her.

There is a difference between yes, and a roofie in her drink.

Big difference between

"hey, wanna go to my place?"

and her duct-taped to the bed of your truck, a-hole.

And trust me, saran wrap doesn't cut it, she will have your baby.

P.S. It will be the ugliest baby to ever walk the earth, and it is all your fault.


Random hilariousness

My mom hates me because i'm growing, she tries to kill me on a daily basis, if only to save the hundreds she spends on food and new clothes for me every month. She's getting good, too. "Well, it looks like asprin, but it tastes like...CYANIDE! Ha, nice try, mother, maybe next time." My dad tried to kill me off when i was little. We were playing baseball in the backyard, i was about six. Being the pitcher, i threw the ball to my dad, and he hit it pretty far, but he also let go of the bat mid-swing. The thing didn't even turn around or anything, just flew straight as an arrow towards my forehead. Having the reflexes of a dead goldfish, i simply stood and watched as it came towards me, eventually hitting me right between the eyes, almost knocking me unconcious. My dad runs over and, being the unsensitive jerk he is, the first thing he said was "You could've ducked" God i hate my father.Baseball has never been my sport though. I was about eight or nine, and i was playing baseball with my friends in the backyard. So i got up to bat and after two strikes, (told you i wasn't very good) i hit it very high up and started running. I get to about second base and i look up and think "Hey, a baseball is coming towards me, maybe i should catch it." I should've let it drop. I caught the baseball and somehow got myself out. The next kid up was laughing too hard to bat properly. Ok, that's a lie. It didn't happen when i was eight, it happened last year. I'm actually not good at any sport. I actually came up with a maneuver, i call it "The Tatnall" It's when your playing basketball and you make what seems to be a really good shot and it does that thing were it spins around the rim for a while. Only in " The Tatnall", the basketball doesn't go in like you were hoping it would, it spins around a bit more, then it flies out of the hoop and hits you in the nose. This has actually happened to me before.

Stupid teenage boy


I am just another stupid teenage boy

Show me a wall, and i will walk into it.

I do this all the time. Usually when i get out of bed i walk into the hallway and end up only getting half of me lined up with the doorway. Walking into the kitchen, even more dangerous. There are knives in that place. Knives are fun but dangerous. I can't count how many holes i have in my socks, right between the toes, from all the knives i've dropped. (or failed to catch) There are also hot things in the kitchen. Me and hot things have never been the best of buds, and know that i'm older the relationship is really going downhill, based on the fact that down is the same direction my intelligence seems to heading. The phrase i use most in the kitched happens to be, and this is a good one, listen up, "I wonder if it's hot yet," which is usually followed by me shoving my hand in the freezer and trying not to scream like a little girl, because, guess what? It's always hot. Always.

I have ruined countless things being stupid.

Most of the times it's not that i'm stupid, it's that i have no depth perception. The other day i tried to nonchalently lean against the wall and ended up pretty much tackling my wall because i thought it was A LOT farther away than it actually was. Kicking at balls that are six feet away, shooting the ball twenty feet past the basketball hoop, if it has to do with distance and is embarrasing, i bet i've done it.

I've never broken a bone, which is amazing.

"Hey dude. See that squirrell? Betcha i could tackle that sucker. Watch this"
Says the stupid teenage boy, landing face first in a tree

"Dude i could totally clear that bonfire"
Says the stupid teenage boy, singeing all the hair off his legs for the next year.

(This is my favorite)
"Dude, you can run fast, right?"
Seconds later, the sirens start.

Why?

Why are horoscopes always good things? Wouldn't it be great if you opened the paper and it was like:

Capricorn:

You suck arse, go jump off a bridge and die.

Some of them would be good though, like half of them.

Pisces:
Man, your awesome! People love you. You're probably gonna win the lottery. Go kill a capricorn, no one cares about them anyway.


The upside of the bad horoscopes is that now you actually can blame your parents for everything.

"Why couldn't you have concieved me in june? Then i would've been a freaking Pisces, and everyone knows they are the best. Damn you, you stupid horny parents of mine."



Oh doctor doctor

I think that i would make an awful doctor. For one, i don't know shizz about medicine or anything like that, and i really don't think med school would help one bit.

A few examples:

"So, doc, what do you suggest i do?"
"Well, all i can suggest is that you drink lots of fluids."
"How the hell is that going to help my fugging cancer?"
"You won't die thirsty?"

"So, doc, what should i do?"
"Put some ice on it and take some Tylenol"
"Doctor, you do realize i'm pregnant?"
"Yes, yes, just put some damn ice on it"

Also, i'm very easily distraced.

Example three:

"Excuse me, Mrs. Smith?"
"Yes? How is my son?"
"I'm sorry to tell you this, mrs smith, but your son has passed away"
"WHAT? He was getting his tonsils taken out! How the hell could he be dead?"
"Well, you might not know this, but removing the tonsils is a very complicated procedure. And while i was in the process of cutting and removing them, well, an ice cream truck drove by."
"WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH MY SON DYING"
"Well, the thing is, i really needed a fudgy bar."